Finch says funny things // 9
One of my favorite things every day is hearing the first, often absurd, words out of Finch’s mouth. Some examples:
“You look like you’re working at a pizza shop.” (Eric and I were just laying in bed…)
“I’m still alive!”
“I just went O2 before I came in here.” (farted)
“I know how to sing the Y.M.C.A. in Minion language.”
“‘Despicable Me’ and ‘The Grinch’ are owned by the same company.”
“I let you sleep in, and now you will be destroyed. It’s 6:55 am. Happy surprise! That was my April Fool’s for the day.” (It was not April Fool’s Day.)
“No pasta tonight! I’m just kidding, baby, look at your face, bro!”
And the hits don’t stop … he truly keeps us laughing all day long.
“Dad spends most of the day in the bathroom.”
“Nebraska. Isn’t that where Michael Jordan lives?”
Me: “Do you think 39 is old?”
Finch: “Yeah, you’re a grandma.”
“I’ve never had a bad hair day.”
“What blood type did Jesus have?”
“Your nostrils look like beans.”
“At summer camp the mattresses look like mattresses but they’re really just plywood painted to look like mattresses.”
“There are exactly 901 ways to make a sandwich. Also, the Titanic sank.”
“I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m crazy, and I drive people nuts.”
“Back in my day, I remember when a quarter used to cost a nickel.”
“Are you searching up the Titanic or just dilly-dallying?”
“I wish this day would never end. It’s fun having a birthday once in a while.”
“I feel it in my body that someday I’ll like chocolate again.”
Eating a donut: “Oh! I actually deserve this!”
Finch: “I hear a vampire sucking blood downstairs.”
Me: “That’s dad on his bike.”
Finch: “Can we go watch a movie?”
Me: “Yes.”
Finch: “It’s like we’re dating!”
“Why is there a restaurant over there called Hot Yoda?” (hot yoga)
“Let’s make a truce. I won’t be crazy, if you won’t be not fun.”
“Gluten-free Oreos taste like Benjamin Franklin.”
“If you use your imagination and you work hard, you can do wonders.”
“I’ve always wanted to be an osprey.”
“Hair in my mouth, 12 o’clock!”
“I smell your armpits every day. It gives me energy.”
“When I’m a daddy, I’m going to be an at-home dad.”
“In my bed we don’t say the word ‘haircut.’”
“You forgetting things and me reminding you about them? Sounds about right.”
“It’s gonna be loud, because I’m vacuuming.”
“I don’t like sour. It makes my skin shiver.”
“You can’t break a promise. Unless you accidentally break it. And then you have to forgive.”
“To marry do you have to have the same color eyes?”
“I’ve always wanted some of that luxurious furniture.”
Finch: “Are you gonna become president?”
Me: “No.”
Finch: “You have enough.”
Me: “Enough what?”
Finch: “… Age.”
“I love reading. Reading is beyond compare.”
“My penis glob is juicy.”
Looking at a calculator: “No way, there’s a division sign?!”
“My brain feels minty fresh right now.”
“Let me smell your breath. You smell like the bad guys.”
“I’m a professional fruit snack opener.”
When he saw jelly beans in his Easter eggs: “Potatoes!”
“Dad, I wish I lived with grandma. Some people live with their grandma.”
“You don’t know who Joe Viden is? Where do I start? He’s our president for this year!”
Me: “I was thinking about Rooney’s concert tonight, and how it might feel to have to sit and be quiet for 30 minutes. I wonder if that will be hard.”
Finch: “Yeah, are you going to get me a Nintendo Switch to do? Or I just stay in the bathroom the entire time?”
Exiting my bedroom: “You never saw me. I was never here.”
After I wiped him in the bathroom: “Thank you, officer.”
“Dr. Seuss is, like, legendary. Maybe some day he’ll be fully famous.”
Me: “How are you feeling?”
Finch: ”At least probably 71 percent. Because did you know 71 percent of the Earth is covered in ocean?”
“That almost scared the chili out of me.”
Looking at a photo of Eric, Rooney and I right after she was born: “How romantic!”
“The second I smelled you, I knew I would love you.”
“Mom, I love you. Please don’t die right now.”
“Do I look like a hipster?”
Gluten-free macaroni and cheese at Adventureland: “It tastes like something you’d eat in prison.”
“I don’t know about you, but I think I just farted out icky stuff.”
At our friends’ house: “This is like a 5-star hotel.”
“Search on The Amazon for something that looks like that.”
At his first NFL game: “I think the number one priority for showing off the players is smoke.”
“Don’t know about you, but I’m headin’ west.”
Me: “There’s a bruise on your leg.”
Finch: “That’s a scab.”
Me: “That’s a bruise.”
Finch: “Well, it doesn’t smell.”
“When I pass away and go to heaven, I’m going to tell God to delete all the spiders.”
Me: “Finch williams, you are amazing.”
Finch: “I’m actually George Bush.”
“Benjamin Franklin ... isn’t he our vice president for this year?”
And as funny as he is most of the time, sometimes he is really, really sweet.
“Next time you feel like you’re gonna be stressed, come to me and we’ll figure it out.”
“I love you so much I can’t put it into words. I can’t describe it.”
“Thank you for all you’ve done.”
“I love you, Mom, because you drove us all the way here.”
”You’re my mom. I love you more than anyone. Thank you for being my mom and having me out of your tummy.”
“This is the mom song, ‘cause moms are great, moms are better than vanilla cake!”
”I just made your bed. Which probably made your day.”
“I feel bad that you have to do all these jobs and I just play Nintendo Switch. I should be doing these jobs.”
“There’s no other mom like you because you’re the best mom in the whole entire world. There’s nothing like you. I love you.”
“This is exactly like I hope heaven is like … cuddling with my mom.”
“I’m crying happy tears right now.”
“You are my dream mom. I always wanted you to be my mom.”
“You’re my favorite mother. I never want to move out of this house and I never want to change mothers.”
“I love you, Mom. I could never regret it!”
“You’re the best mom in the world and the luckiest to have me.”
He’s not wrong! ♡